51 Days

                                                                   DAY 51

     I cannot believe it has been 51 Days-- it feels like yesterday at times, and other times it feels like it has been forever.  For the most part, I was shocked when I counted the actual days, I knew the entire month of December had gone by but I was still shocked.  I have basically been running on auto pilot, with a few down days to refill. 
     Yesterday my 13 year old said something to me that struck a chord.  This is what she said "Mom, sometimes I feel like people around me want to ask me about Kiara but they are afraid that it might make me sad so then it becomes an awkward silence"....I realized I needed to take the advice of the instructor of one of the classes I am taking and speak the truth, that it is not a secret and actually making it a secret undermines all of the hard work Kiara has been putting in. I decided to put this in a blog so those who want to know can choose to  read and others may just skip over it.
     On the evening of Nov 12, it was just me and Kiara at home, and she attempted suicide.  I was aware she was struggling so I was keeping an eye on her, but all it took was a little time and a distraught young lady and without going into detail, I realized something was drastically wrong, with the help of the 911 operator, I was able to get my beautiful girl breathing again.  All I remember after that was the police and I think about every responder in North Ogden rushing into my home, my son in law and a dear neighbor friend giving me a priesthood blessing, and the responders telling me "momma you did a good job" and the feeling of deep compassion and care I received from every officer and responder and others who entered my home that evening.  I only give few details because sometimes people look at an attempt as a form of rebellion--it never  is, each time is serious and real and this was life altering and changed me.
     After a long night and a good bishop sitting in the waiting room to make sure we were okay, Kiara was transferred to UNI for 10 Days, home for 1 then admitted into Primary Childrens Psychiatry inpatient unit for a few weeks and has been in their residential program since. That means 51 days I have not been able to hug my daughter goodnight (even when we were not getting along we always hugged and told eachother goodnight). We have recently started with home visits where I go and pick up Kiara for the day and take her back at night which I have decided are super hard--fun to have her home and for a little bit feeling  like everything is "normal" but super hard driving her back.  Kiara is working hard every day, her therapist is always reminding me what a "very brave" daughter I have.  She goes to their school, only having a few days off for Christmas break.  She has learned how to knit hats and made all us one and is now working on some that she wants to donate to the new youth homeless center here in Ogden.  She takes part in counseling and rehab groups and she has her goals once again for when she gradualtes from high school.  I feel at peace knowing she is safe where she is and she is getting so much help.
     I drive back and forth 3-4 times a week (it is over an hour away in driving time) and I take 2 different classes along with family counseling with Kiara.  I have been overwhelmed, I have cried a ton, I have laughed, I have been angry and I have been exhausted.  Through all of this, I have made new friends, I have relied on old friends, and I have learned to have faith and trust in prayer and my Heavenly Father like I have never had before.  One day as I was driving there and thinking about what was going on and how my heart physically hurt for my daughter, I realized how much my Heavenly Father loved me and I would imagine tears streaming down his cheeks as he knew as much as he would love to fix this situation for me and take the pain away that he couldn't, it was something I needed to do but, he would not leave me alone to fix it, he would place in front of me every tool possible to get through this but it was up to me to reach out and use those tools, just as I am doing with Kiara.
     I was promised by our Stake President and the General Authority who presided over our Stake Conference when all of this was fresh, that if I would attend the temple weekly that not only would I receive blessings but they would trickle down to Kiara as she is going through this hard time.  Every time I get overwhelmed, I think of their words and even though I know this is going to be a long and hard road and I have had to learn to have faith when I am terrified, and when I am exhausted and wonder how I can keep doing this, I am given that extra boost.
     Yesterday we went and seen the movie Collateral Beauty.   I realized during all of this I have learned to absorb and notice "moments'.  The smile on the staffs face when I go and see Kiara and my favorite one with the black and white striped hair who loves those kids she works with.  The smell of fresh baked cookies and bread as I walk into the facility because they are teaching the kids life skills, the Christmas tree as I walk in full of presents underneath for the kids, the feeling they provide as close to home as possible, the visit with Kiaras vice principal and the gift he left her which she hung over her bed, those tight hugs and kisses I get each time I come and go from spending time with Kiara, the sadness I feel when I look at each kid followed by a warm feeling that they are getting help, the heartache I feel for other parents as they share their experience, the look on my 4 year old grandsons face as he expresses "he was just thinking about WAWA and how ne never, never wants her to get sick again"  Oh the love that surrounds her is wonderful.  I have realized there is so much good and beauty all around us. I am learning so much and though I wish this experience did not happen, my heart has been opened, my mind has been stretched. The truth is, this is hard, but Kiara is working hard, we miss her, Kloe misses her sister talks and having Kiara at home, sometimes this sucks, but its okay to ask, What is taking place is not a secret and I am super proud of Kiara and the rest of my family. I feel like Suicide needs to be talked about, it is taking place in our schools, our friends families, people need to know they can reach out, and to who and where and those families who have been affected need our love, our continued support, and us to not judge or make assumptions---this truly affects so many---there are so many hurting its a lot more than we thing but hopefully me sharing bits and pieces of my journey as a mom others wont feel so alone.