Hard to imagine my daughter was on a flyer as an endangered, missing child

This morning, one year ago today I was not prepared for the news I received.  I was healing from a hysterectomy that I had a few days ago and I was doing what the DR. said and I was taking it easy.as
my phone rang and it was my girl's father.  I figured I better answer especially since my daughter had been staying with him.  All I really remember was him saying my daughter was missing.  My first thought was okay, she has done this a few times, so I asked him how long she had been missing.  "As he told me I instantly broke into panic, I said "she has never been gone more than 24 hours, I always found her".  I remember screaming NOOOOO! I was crying, I was breaking, how would I find my daughter when she had already been missing for a week.  So many things ran through my mind, but the physical pain was to much.  Not only had I just had a pretty good surgery, but my heart felt like it was shattering, my heart physically hurt.  I was beyond devastated.  I didnt let my fear stop me from functioning. I immediatly went into detective mode.  I started messaging and texting every single person that I knew my daughter had contact with.  Then I went on her facebbok and started messaging her facebook friends.  Quite a few responded but no one knew where she was.  I had to keep busy to keep me from having a complete breakdown, I had a 13 year old young lady still living at home, my older daughters- so much on my mind.  I dont remember a ton about the next few days except for the endless nights spent on the couch, just in case she came home.  I would fall asleep and wake up from horrible dreams,  I do remember 2 friends (my visiting teachers but they are truly friends) came over.  I usually can maintain a solid front, but not this time.  I looked into both their eyes and the love and compassion and concern that was there made me cry.  It was a good cry, a safe cry with 2 friends whom I knew truly loved me.  I know there were many others, many meals and texts, it is all kind of a blur.
  I set up a facebook page to help find my daughter.  I learned there are a few creepy people but the good kind ones far outweighed the bad. Pretty soon I had followers from all over the country, posting, sharing, and trying to give me any information that may help.  I received messages of experiences from others who had been taken and sold into the sex industry and how it took years for them to escape.  I was told of streets in cities to look, to go clear to the back and I would see tin houses where humans are abused. I learned of things that I never even imagined.  I appreciated them giving me the names of these places but I could feel my self feeling dark and even more worried so I learned to be careful of what I was reading--
  My daughter had been on "informal probabation" so she had an amazing PO who she had to report to.  I actually grew to love this lady.  She had been at my house the morning after my daughter had attempted suicide.  I knew she truly cared about my daughter.  She kept in touch with me daily, sometimes more, asking if I was okay and any news.  My daughters PO was pregnant with a baby that her family had waited for and prayed for, for many years, I was so excited and she looked so cute with her big belly full of love.
   I had been following a facebook page from St George that was about a young man who had been missing for at that time, I believe it was 2 years.  His name is Macin.  They are still searching, trying to find him but no leads.  His mother Tracy is an amazing advocate for Macin.  She is raw, sincere and persistent.  I knew Macin had many looking from him "Macins Army" and his page is updated frequently.  I messaged Tracy and asked her if she would allow me to post my daughters info on Macins page, in hopes to get a clue where she was.  Tracy generously sent me a message saying such kind things and of course she allowed me too- she knows the mommas aching heart.  She also told me if there was anything they could do from St George to let her know.  I was touched, I still pray for their family and to bring Macin home.  They have a web page -his name is Macin Smith- many have heared of him, flyers everywhere-- there is still hope.  So take a minute look him up and become familar with his features- I cannot even imagine what his momma is going through.
   My daughter had a PO officer from a small charge that she had,  Her PO officer had become a dear friend, I grew to love her and I knew she cared for us.  Her PO became very active trying to help find our missing girl.  She knew her entire history and was so concerned for her safety.
    I learned that my circle of people who care is quite larger than I thought.  I felt blessed.  I think I had spent more time on my knees begging, pleading for my daughter to be protected, to not be hurtung, and to come home, than I ever had.  Sometimes I just cried and asked for some of this pain I was feeling to ease, I prayed for some solid sleep so I could keep going, I feel I have a pretty good relationship with my Heavenly Father, so I felt great comfort in prayer.  I would just kneel against my bed until I felt a little bit of peace so I could keep going,
   I know I did not make it through the next week on my own, my Heavenly Father was sending his love through others, reminding me he was aware of what I and my family was going through.  I had learned we can call on our loved ones from the other side to help those we love.  I did, I pleaded for them to be allowed to encircle my daughter, to help her feel the love from her Heavenly Father, from those who had passed and from us still on earth.  I pleaded for her safety and her return.  This gave me peace.  I believe they did just what I asked.
 

Forgiveness is not for the other person; its for yourself

     Forgiveness-- I used to think I was doing a pretty good job at forgiving others, I had no idea that I was going to be tested right down to the core, if I really knew how to forgive.
     One year ago today was when my daughter was beginning a journey that she had no idea would include being held captive and fighting for her life.  I actually had no idea she was missing, in fact, at that time I was focusing on getting ready to have a hysterectomy in a few days, a surgery I had put off for a few years.  I felt like life had calmed down a little bit to give me time to heal from the surgery.  Little did I know that I was about to experience a raging storm that I at times would feel like I was drowning in.
     One of my struggles since then have been forgiveness.  Having court hearings, and so many things going on with detectives, advocates, media, have set me back a few times on the forgiving part.  And besides, how does a mother forgive a grown man who intended, and planned out to hurt my child.  So many times I have thought, he does not deserve to be forgiven, my gosh, there was even a court hearing with the defendant asking if he could be released from jail while waiting for trial--that to me had shown that he does not even recognize or take responsibility for what he had done, in fact, as I am typing this, I can feel my heart rate increase, and I have become tense.  We were not able to attend that hearing since it takes place in Arizona, but one of the sweetest family members ever who has been through every second of this experience with us, who actually has seen far more of it than I have, graciously went and represented our family.  My daughter had written an amazing letter to the judge that was read in the hearing by her advocate and from what I was told there were many tears.  In that letter my daughter stated that she did forgive.  How in the world can I not forgive when my daughter can, and it happened to her and not to me?  Prayers, an amazing family member, fantastic attorneys, an amazing detective who does not usually attend let alone testify in these types of hearings, an advocate who has become a part of my life and has great concern for us, and a compassionate judge--and a Heavenly Father who has reminded me time after time that it will all be okay---all of this combined-- the defendant was not given what he asked for.  The judge recognized the danger that he is.
     A month or so ago a couple of good childhood friends who I feel like we are still family, sent me the 2 books written by Elizabeth Smart.  In the book, Elizabeth was reminded by her mother that in the Bible it says that if someone hurts a child, its better for them to be at the bottom of the ocean with a millstone tied about their neck than to face God's wrath.  Yikes!!! I almost feel guilty for being pleased with this (I totally need to work on forgiveness).
     One day at a time is really all I can do, but along the way my family has been blessed abundantly.  As it comes closer to sentencing, I am eager to close this chapter and move onto the next. Though this chapter has had a profound impact on our family, I look forward to the next chapters and the happy ending.
   
   

A Mothers Intuition

     Its been a long time since I added to my blog. I have had many things that I have needed to process, and figure out if I wanted to share or not, Today I will start at the beginning of a hell that I found myself being swallowed up in almost 1 year ago.
     A year ago I found myself having to make a decision that ripped my heart My daughter, her bio-father and I had all decided that we need to try something new, something different, a fresh start in a town that others did not know about her struggles with mental illness, a chance to re-invent her self as the judge put it.  As much as I did not want her to go, I also felt that what I was doing was not working, that I was not able to keep her safe, and she had been a daddys girl when she was little, so maybe this would be the thing that would help her.
     I had an interesting experience during one night after my daughter had left with her father.  I was sound asleep- suddenly I woke up, i was drenched in sweat, I did not feel right.  I could not move my legs or arms at all and I was having a hard time catching my breath.  My husband was not in bed (it was actually only 10;30 at night, but since I go to bed at 8:30, it felt like the middle of the night). I got enough feeling back in my legs that I was able to stumble into the living room and plop myself on a chair.  I could not talk, I was crying and I could not catch my breath.  My husband thought I was having a heart attack and was ready to call 911.  I said no between tears and as I slowly got feeling back in my arms I started to relax a tiny bit, I calmed down and my husband helped me back to bed.  First thing in the morning, I went to the doctors and told him what had happened.  I had woken up to a severe panic attack and I couldn't understand why. Yes I had been stressed and yes I had been sad but a panic attack? My doctor put me on some medication to help calm my brain down and to help me hopefully get some much needed rest.
     Now fast forward a month or so and as I was sitting in my daughters therapists office in a residential treatment center, I was sharing with him my experience with my panic attack. He then said to me "your mothers intuition knew that something terrible was about to happen"...........That was one of those moments that I was blown away.  As women and mothers we are blessed with an intuition that is strong and real. Our bodies give off signals, I had a panic attack because my body and mind knew something terrible was going to happen and I could not control it. I had no idea just how much my world was going to be turned upside down, I had no idea the hell that my daughter was about to endure............