Some things are hard to talk about and cause me to second guess myself and then there are those throw up in your mouth feeling things that are really really hard to talk about.  I have been carrying a heavy load on my shoulders, I have been asking why, when, where and how.  This dark cloud that has been hovering over my house is literally tearing this mommas heart right out of my chest and shredding it to pieces. I have never questioned every aspect of my parenting, my wifeyness, and my over all qualities of a woman as I have recently...... all because of DRUGS.
     DRUGS- the nasty D word that rips apart families and ruins precious souls, destroying, suffocating spirits slowly at first and then picks up a speed that feels out of control.  I have had a painful ache in my heart that at times I was worried I might be having an anxiety attack or stroke but then I realize it is an actual physical ache that I have for someone I love so dearly.  It was a challenge at first for me to go deep inside myself and realize this is real, and it is dangerous, it is so hard admitting and even harder to accept.  Accepting had to come for me to be able to actually move forward with some sort of plan.  But Drugs don't follow plans. My life feels chaotic, and restless. This is a world I never wanted to be a part of, it is very foreign to me.  I have learned to be vulnerable, to seek help and I have learned to listen to others.
     This past Sunday in sacrament meeting, a young man leaving on a mission spoke. (I did not even want to go to church this day because I was exhausted). He spoke about his experiences at work, I believe he may have been a CNA. He was talking about a lady he cared for but did not really have a working memory-- The part of his talk that spoke to me was when he thought about how wonderful it will be when he meets this person who he has lovingly cared for here on earth  but is not able to acknowledge it, but in the after life when he meets this person again and the person remembers how he treated her,   My heart was full as I needed this reminder that this earth life is a preparation for eternal life, that there is so much more, and much greater than we can imagine and this child of God who I love so much and who my heart aches for will see me and recognize me, and will know my love was continuous and real and powerful and that even though on earth it was not recognized, it will then be felt and known, and absorbed and that the ache in my heart will be healed and whole once again. For a moment in church as this young man spoke, I felt peace and a lightness I have not experienced for quite a while- it cleared my blurry eyes and I was reminded me that this is not the end, it may be hard but its not the end.......HopeOnJourneyOn

One Day at a Time

                                                         One Day at a Time


     One Day at a Time has been a very hard thing for me to learn and practice- I'm a planner and I like to know at least a day in advance what my day is going to be like, I'm not a fan of surprises, I thrive with routine. I am learning through hands on school that I am supposed to take one day at a time and it has been a struggle.  I am thinking the reason for the" One Day at a Time" is because I need to enjoy "the moment" instead of always worrying about what may happen-..So I have been practicing, and making a conscious choice to enjoy those hugs a little longer, put away to do lists and talk, let the vacuuming and cleaning wait because today is a good day and I need to enjoy those good days-- I heard this from somewhere --its those good days where I am talking and laughing and interacting with my daughters that trust is built, and hopefully through trust, more good days lie ahead-----so I am going with that.  Pretty much I'm going off of HOPE and FAITH.
      After 4 months of intensive residential treatment my daughter came home,  I had taken many safety precautions and life was feeling pretty okay- I felt like everything was planned out schooling, safety,  my calendar was full of the times, days, appts. we had in place, we were moving forward and then....I went to pick up my daughter from the bus after school and I had a sick feeling.  I watched as the kids got off one by one, I looked for her hair, her sweater,I knew she was not on the bus.....I knew my daughter was missing.  I went home, searched her room, nothing was gone. I waited, I hoped, I prayed, I cried out to my Heavenly Father as I was driving down the road to please guide me to my daughter.  I called and made a police report--it was strange, I had noted in my head exactly what my daughter was wearing from how her hair was done to the shoes on her feet.  I started looking through phone numbers,and my husband started making phone calls- I went to bed that night (well slept on the couch) and every car that went by I would lay there hoping it was her, I would fall asleep and have horrible dreams about situations she may be in and I would wake up in a panic. I felt like I was living a hellish dream, I prayed, I cried, I pleaded for her safety--at that point I just wanted her safe. The next day my other daughter made a post on social media and by 4pm we had some leads and had the cops meet us and we found her. She was then hospitalized,,,,again....but this time was different, there was no definite plan.  I have always had direction as to what the next step is, I always had a plan.. I cried and prayed, still no answer. I was a mess not knowing. One day out of frustration I was broken.  I packed my purse, a jacket and a good book and my blankie my mom made me and I ran away, to the Brigham City Walmart where nobody would notice me and I sat in my car and cried and prayed and tried to read, after an hour and a half and decided to pull it together and went home.  I went to my doctors in tears telling him I cry, I forget things constantly and I am just a mess and maybe I was getting depressed, I was falling apart.  My doctor told me I was severly sleep deprived and he gave me something to help me with my sleep-- (still have not had a night where I have felt comfortable taking it).  Pepsi is my friend and tiny cat naps are my joy.
     We still do not have a definite plan, but a survival plan is what is seems like we are going off of.  I am enjoying every good moment with my daughters and trying to not be a stressed mess.  My face has aged dramatically over the past months which makes me sad, the dark circles and puffy eyes are not easy to cover anymore-- I am not able to hide my worry on my face--but I am still going, praying, trying to live my life with exactness so I can receive direction.  As I was whining to a friend of how hard this has all been and how I have so many regrets of things I now cannot change, she reminded me of all I have learned, the lives I have become involoved in, I have a different life than I had ever imagined, I am aware of things I never knew it existed but I know there is something more-- one day at a time and once again no definite plan.
      This morning as I was watching conference Elder Hollands talk had me in tears.
Sometimes it is hard to sing the Sunny, Bouncy Lyrics.  He then talked about mental illness and counseled us "Do not let the Children of God Suffer in Silence" and may we "Be endowed with the capacity to hear the songs they now cannot sing"............... 
     I know there are many of our children suffering--I look at kids and our youth differently than I used to--I have a soft spot in my heart for those struggling and I also celebrate in their accomplishments.  I don't know what Is going to happen tomorrow, next week or next month but I do know I love my girls, I badly want my daughters mental illness to go away, I want her healed, I want her to be able to go to school, dances, and laugh and have fun like others her age. I will never give up,  God knows all, and as I am struggling to find answers I am also being blessed.  Still in the back of my mind I am pleading for my baby girls to be okay---and that one day I will get some sleep.