Some things are hard to talk about and cause me to second guess myself and then there are those throw up in your mouth feeling things that are really really hard to talk about.  I have been carrying a heavy load on my shoulders, I have been asking why, when, where and how.  This dark cloud that has been hovering over my house is literally tearing this mommas heart right out of my chest and shredding it to pieces. I have never questioned every aspect of my parenting, my wifeyness, and my over all qualities of a woman as I have recently...... all because of DRUGS.
     DRUGS- the nasty D word that rips apart families and ruins precious souls, destroying, suffocating spirits slowly at first and then picks up a speed that feels out of control.  I have had a painful ache in my heart that at times I was worried I might be having an anxiety attack or stroke but then I realize it is an actual physical ache that I have for someone I love so dearly.  It was a challenge at first for me to go deep inside myself and realize this is real, and it is dangerous, it is so hard admitting and even harder to accept.  Accepting had to come for me to be able to actually move forward with some sort of plan.  But Drugs don't follow plans. My life feels chaotic, and restless. This is a world I never wanted to be a part of, it is very foreign to me.  I have learned to be vulnerable, to seek help and I have learned to listen to others.
     This past Sunday in sacrament meeting, a young man leaving on a mission spoke. (I did not even want to go to church this day because I was exhausted). He spoke about his experiences at work, I believe he may have been a CNA. He was talking about a lady he cared for but did not really have a working memory-- The part of his talk that spoke to me was when he thought about how wonderful it will be when he meets this person who he has lovingly cared for here on earth  but is not able to acknowledge it, but in the after life when he meets this person again and the person remembers how he treated her,   My heart was full as I needed this reminder that this earth life is a preparation for eternal life, that there is so much more, and much greater than we can imagine and this child of God who I love so much and who my heart aches for will see me and recognize me, and will know my love was continuous and real and powerful and that even though on earth it was not recognized, it will then be felt and known, and absorbed and that the ache in my heart will be healed and whole once again. For a moment in church as this young man spoke, I felt peace and a lightness I have not experienced for quite a while- it cleared my blurry eyes and I was reminded me that this is not the end, it may be hard but its not the end.......HopeOnJourneyOn