Its been a long time since I added to my blog. I have had many things that I have needed to process, and figure out if I wanted to share or not, Today I will start at the beginning of a hell that I found myself being swallowed up in almost 1 year ago.
A year ago I found myself having to make a decision that ripped my heart My daughter, her bio-father and I had all decided that we need to try something new, something different, a fresh start in a town that others did not know about her struggles with mental illness, a chance to re-invent her self as the judge put it. As much as I did not want her to go, I also felt that what I was doing was not working, that I was not able to keep her safe, and she had been a daddys girl when she was little, so maybe this would be the thing that would help her.
I had an interesting experience during one night after my daughter had left with her father. I was sound asleep- suddenly I woke up, i was drenched in sweat, I did not feel right. I could not move my legs or arms at all and I was having a hard time catching my breath. My husband was not in bed (it was actually only 10;30 at night, but since I go to bed at 8:30, it felt like the middle of the night). I got enough feeling back in my legs that I was able to stumble into the living room and plop myself on a chair. I could not talk, I was crying and I could not catch my breath. My husband thought I was having a heart attack and was ready to call 911. I said no between tears and as I slowly got feeling back in my arms I started to relax a tiny bit, I calmed down and my husband helped me back to bed. First thing in the morning, I went to the doctors and told him what had happened. I had woken up to a severe panic attack and I couldn't understand why. Yes I had been stressed and yes I had been sad but a panic attack? My doctor put me on some medication to help calm my brain down and to help me hopefully get some much needed rest.
Now fast forward a month or so and as I was sitting in my daughters therapists office in a residential treatment center, I was sharing with him my experience with my panic attack. He then said to me "your mothers intuition knew that something terrible was about to happen"...........That was one of those moments that I was blown away. As women and mothers we are blessed with an intuition that is strong and real. Our bodies give off signals, I had a panic attack because my body and mind knew something terrible was going to happen and I could not control it. I had no idea just how much my world was going to be turned upside down, I had no idea the hell that my daughter was about to endure............
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