Who would have thought

Who would have thought..............

I would be thanking my Heavenly Father for my daughter having a "Good Tumor".

I would learn what dignity and grace was from an 18 year old girl, who while in a ton of pain still manages to say "Thankyou".

that scraping a foot of snow off of my car to travel would be such an exciting feeling (that was the day I was able to take Kylee home form the hospital).

that I would ever be able to swallow my pride and realize that yes, I do need help from other people, that I am not superwoman.

that I would be able to sleep in a strange waiting room all by myself and actually feel safe.

that I could walk away leaving my daughters life into anothers hands and feel confident and secure that it would be okay.

there was so many bumps and uneven parts in a road (we learned this on our way home from the hospital.)

that I would be terrified to comb my childs hair, in fear of hurting her.

that I would let people in my house when it is as absolute disaster and actually be thankful for thier visits.

that having my 18 year old sleep in until eleven would be a good and happy thing.

that I would climb into the shower to help my daughter, clothes and all and not even care that I was all wet.

that fresh air would ever feel so good.

that I would be so excited to finally get to turn the lights on in my house and open the blinds (it made Kylee's head hurt for a while to do any of that).

that staples in a head would look like a work of art (I know the mans hands who did this and I know he did every little stitch with love and care)

That waking up in my own bed, knowing my family was safe and healing would be such an exciting thing.

That so many people could care about one family, that is one thing I have always felt but wow, all I can say is now I really know.

A New Day

Today, I wake up this morning as a single woman.  For me, it is a new chapter of a wondeful life I have shared with many people.  Being a single woman sounds to adventurous, but being called a divorced woman sounds depressing so, I will just stick with I am a mom.  A mom who has 4 wonderful daughters and a fantastic son in law.  A mom who has made good choices and bad, has cried and laughed and yelled and cheered with and at my kids.  A mom who has made a decision that will disrupt my childrens lives, that will force us to reconstruct what "our family" is. 
Choosing to get a divorce was the hardest decision I have ever had to make.  It was a very long process.  Many people are shocked, but the people who are the closest to me know this was a very very very long process.  Hours of marriage counseling, counseling one on one, tears with loved ones, tears with my exhusband, and many hours on my knees asking, digging really deep, pleading with my Heavenly Father to please help me make a good choice. Many hours sitting inside the temple, going over and over in my mind the covenants I have made, thinking of "Families are Forever".  Could this really be the right choice???
I am 99% sure it is.  The only 1% left that I am not, is when I find a letter in my 7 years old daughters backpack from school that has a drawing of me and Ammon with a heart in between and she has written "dear dad, I hope you get back to mom, I love you".  That is when the tears start to flow, and I take my little 7 year old in my arms and I tell her me and her dad cannot be married but we will always  love her, and we will just be a different kind of family.  She then hugs me and says "yeah, you guys did fight alot" and then she goes off to find her 11 year old sister to torture.
The choice is heavy that I carry and the consequences are real and big, but I pray for understanding, for compassion, and for forgiveness to the people I have disapointed, the people I have hurt, the people who did not know and are shocked.  We never know what goes on in others homes when the doors are closed and blinds are drawn,  we just hope all is well, and when it is not, we show up with freshly baked cookies and a smile on our face, and a look, that look that you know when someone really cares.

Just a thought

     I am really not quite sure how to blog but I want to learn how.  There are so many things that I would love to share, so many thoughts and so many feelings.  I figured since we are faced with a new adventure (that is what I have always called the unknown to make it sound more exciting) I need to learn how to do this so I can share with you. As I was sitting here tonight contemplating Kylees Doctor appointment tomorrow, I was thinking about a parents pain that we feel for our children.  The deep, almost underscibable feeling we have when we are witnessing one of our children hurting.  My thoughts turned to my Father in Heaven and how he sent his only Begotten Son, down to this earth to experience a pain that none of us can even comprehend, how he must have cried, his heart must have ached for our brother, his son, Jesus Christ. After thinking this, my load no longer seemed so heavy to carry for I know that I do not carry this alone.  I know that my Heavenly Father will help me through this, that my Savior attoned not only for my mistakes, but he felt the heartache I am feeling right now.  Many people have asked me how did I get through them not being able to wake Klyee up from her Kidney stone surgery and being transported to the hospital, how did I get through it alone because I did not have a family member or friend there with me.  Not one time did I feel alone, scared yes, but not alone.  It is an amazing experience to look back on, to know that my Heavenly Father was really there with me, one of his daughters who he loves, who his hearteaches for my pain just like my heart aches for my daughters pain. A Parents love, an undescribable feeling.