Forgiveness-- I used to think I was doing a pretty good job at forgiving others, I had no idea that I was going to be tested right down to the core, if I really knew how to forgive.
One year ago today was when my daughter was beginning a journey that she had no idea would include being held captive and fighting for her life. I actually had no idea she was missing, in fact, at that time I was focusing on getting ready to have a hysterectomy in a few days, a surgery I had put off for a few years. I felt like life had calmed down a little bit to give me time to heal from the surgery. Little did I know that I was about to experience a raging storm that I at times would feel like I was drowning in.
One of my struggles since then have been forgiveness. Having court hearings, and so many things going on with detectives, advocates, media, have set me back a few times on the forgiving part. And besides, how does a mother forgive a grown man who intended, and planned out to hurt my child. So many times I have thought, he does not deserve to be forgiven, my gosh, there was even a court hearing with the defendant asking if he could be released from jail while waiting for trial--that to me had shown that he does not even recognize or take responsibility for what he had done, in fact, as I am typing this, I can feel my heart rate increase, and I have become tense. We were not able to attend that hearing since it takes place in Arizona, but one of the sweetest family members ever who has been through every second of this experience with us, who actually has seen far more of it than I have, graciously went and represented our family. My daughter had written an amazing letter to the judge that was read in the hearing by her advocate and from what I was told there were many tears. In that letter my daughter stated that she did forgive. How in the world can I not forgive when my daughter can, and it happened to her and not to me? Prayers, an amazing family member, fantastic attorneys, an amazing detective who does not usually attend let alone testify in these types of hearings, an advocate who has become a part of my life and has great concern for us, and a compassionate judge--and a Heavenly Father who has reminded me time after time that it will all be okay---all of this combined-- the defendant was not given what he asked for. The judge recognized the danger that he is.
A month or so ago a couple of good childhood friends who I feel like we are still family, sent me the 2 books written by Elizabeth Smart. In the book, Elizabeth was reminded by her mother that in the Bible it says that if someone hurts a child, its better for them to be at the bottom of the ocean with a millstone tied about their neck than to face God's wrath. Yikes!!! I almost feel guilty for being pleased with this (I totally need to work on forgiveness).
One day at a time is really all I can do, but along the way my family has been blessed abundantly. As it comes closer to sentencing, I am eager to close this chapter and move onto the next. Though this chapter has had a profound impact on our family, I look forward to the next chapters and the happy ending.
Sunday, June 3, 2018
Thursday, May 24, 2018
A Mothers Intuition
Its been a long time since I added to my blog. I have had many things that I have needed to process, and figure out if I wanted to share or not, Today I will start at the beginning of a hell that I found myself being swallowed up in almost 1 year ago.
A year ago I found myself having to make a decision that ripped my heart My daughter, her bio-father and I had all decided that we need to try something new, something different, a fresh start in a town that others did not know about her struggles with mental illness, a chance to re-invent her self as the judge put it. As much as I did not want her to go, I also felt that what I was doing was not working, that I was not able to keep her safe, and she had been a daddys girl when she was little, so maybe this would be the thing that would help her.
I had an interesting experience during one night after my daughter had left with her father. I was sound asleep- suddenly I woke up, i was drenched in sweat, I did not feel right. I could not move my legs or arms at all and I was having a hard time catching my breath. My husband was not in bed (it was actually only 10;30 at night, but since I go to bed at 8:30, it felt like the middle of the night). I got enough feeling back in my legs that I was able to stumble into the living room and plop myself on a chair. I could not talk, I was crying and I could not catch my breath. My husband thought I was having a heart attack and was ready to call 911. I said no between tears and as I slowly got feeling back in my arms I started to relax a tiny bit, I calmed down and my husband helped me back to bed. First thing in the morning, I went to the doctors and told him what had happened. I had woken up to a severe panic attack and I couldn't understand why. Yes I had been stressed and yes I had been sad but a panic attack? My doctor put me on some medication to help calm my brain down and to help me hopefully get some much needed rest.
Now fast forward a month or so and as I was sitting in my daughters therapists office in a residential treatment center, I was sharing with him my experience with my panic attack. He then said to me "your mothers intuition knew that something terrible was about to happen"...........That was one of those moments that I was blown away. As women and mothers we are blessed with an intuition that is strong and real. Our bodies give off signals, I had a panic attack because my body and mind knew something terrible was going to happen and I could not control it. I had no idea just how much my world was going to be turned upside down, I had no idea the hell that my daughter was about to endure............
A year ago I found myself having to make a decision that ripped my heart My daughter, her bio-father and I had all decided that we need to try something new, something different, a fresh start in a town that others did not know about her struggles with mental illness, a chance to re-invent her self as the judge put it. As much as I did not want her to go, I also felt that what I was doing was not working, that I was not able to keep her safe, and she had been a daddys girl when she was little, so maybe this would be the thing that would help her.
I had an interesting experience during one night after my daughter had left with her father. I was sound asleep- suddenly I woke up, i was drenched in sweat, I did not feel right. I could not move my legs or arms at all and I was having a hard time catching my breath. My husband was not in bed (it was actually only 10;30 at night, but since I go to bed at 8:30, it felt like the middle of the night). I got enough feeling back in my legs that I was able to stumble into the living room and plop myself on a chair. I could not talk, I was crying and I could not catch my breath. My husband thought I was having a heart attack and was ready to call 911. I said no between tears and as I slowly got feeling back in my arms I started to relax a tiny bit, I calmed down and my husband helped me back to bed. First thing in the morning, I went to the doctors and told him what had happened. I had woken up to a severe panic attack and I couldn't understand why. Yes I had been stressed and yes I had been sad but a panic attack? My doctor put me on some medication to help calm my brain down and to help me hopefully get some much needed rest.
Now fast forward a month or so and as I was sitting in my daughters therapists office in a residential treatment center, I was sharing with him my experience with my panic attack. He then said to me "your mothers intuition knew that something terrible was about to happen"...........That was one of those moments that I was blown away. As women and mothers we are blessed with an intuition that is strong and real. Our bodies give off signals, I had a panic attack because my body and mind knew something terrible was going to happen and I could not control it. I had no idea just how much my world was going to be turned upside down, I had no idea the hell that my daughter was about to endure............
Tuesday, April 25, 2017
Some things are hard to talk about and cause me to second guess myself and then there are those throw up in your mouth feeling things that are really really hard to talk about. I have been carrying a heavy load on my shoulders, I have been asking why, when, where and how. This dark cloud that has been hovering over my house is literally tearing this mommas heart right out of my chest and shredding it to pieces. I have never questioned every aspect of my parenting, my wifeyness, and my over all qualities of a woman as I have recently...... all because of DRUGS.
DRUGS- the nasty D word that rips apart families and ruins precious souls, destroying, suffocating spirits slowly at first and then picks up a speed that feels out of control. I have had a painful ache in my heart that at times I was worried I might be having an anxiety attack or stroke but then I realize it is an actual physical ache that I have for someone I love so dearly. It was a challenge at first for me to go deep inside myself and realize this is real, and it is dangerous, it is so hard admitting and even harder to accept. Accepting had to come for me to be able to actually move forward with some sort of plan. But Drugs don't follow plans. My life feels chaotic, and restless. This is a world I never wanted to be a part of, it is very foreign to me. I have learned to be vulnerable, to seek help and I have learned to listen to others.
This past Sunday in sacrament meeting, a young man leaving on a mission spoke. (I did not even want to go to church this day because I was exhausted). He spoke about his experiences at work, I believe he may have been a CNA. He was talking about a lady he cared for but did not really have a working memory-- The part of his talk that spoke to me was when he thought about how wonderful it will be when he meets this person who he has lovingly cared for here on earth but is not able to acknowledge it, but in the after life when he meets this person again and the person remembers how he treated her, My heart was full as I needed this reminder that this earth life is a preparation for eternal life, that there is so much more, and much greater than we can imagine and this child of God who I love so much and who my heart aches for will see me and recognize me, and will know my love was continuous and real and powerful and that even though on earth it was not recognized, it will then be felt and known, and absorbed and that the ache in my heart will be healed and whole once again. For a moment in church as this young man spoke, I felt peace and a lightness I have not experienced for quite a while- it cleared my blurry eyes and I was reminded me that this is not the end, it may be hard but its not the end.......HopeOnJourneyOn
DRUGS- the nasty D word that rips apart families and ruins precious souls, destroying, suffocating spirits slowly at first and then picks up a speed that feels out of control. I have had a painful ache in my heart that at times I was worried I might be having an anxiety attack or stroke but then I realize it is an actual physical ache that I have for someone I love so dearly. It was a challenge at first for me to go deep inside myself and realize this is real, and it is dangerous, it is so hard admitting and even harder to accept. Accepting had to come for me to be able to actually move forward with some sort of plan. But Drugs don't follow plans. My life feels chaotic, and restless. This is a world I never wanted to be a part of, it is very foreign to me. I have learned to be vulnerable, to seek help and I have learned to listen to others.
This past Sunday in sacrament meeting, a young man leaving on a mission spoke. (I did not even want to go to church this day because I was exhausted). He spoke about his experiences at work, I believe he may have been a CNA. He was talking about a lady he cared for but did not really have a working memory-- The part of his talk that spoke to me was when he thought about how wonderful it will be when he meets this person who he has lovingly cared for here on earth but is not able to acknowledge it, but in the after life when he meets this person again and the person remembers how he treated her, My heart was full as I needed this reminder that this earth life is a preparation for eternal life, that there is so much more, and much greater than we can imagine and this child of God who I love so much and who my heart aches for will see me and recognize me, and will know my love was continuous and real and powerful and that even though on earth it was not recognized, it will then be felt and known, and absorbed and that the ache in my heart will be healed and whole once again. For a moment in church as this young man spoke, I felt peace and a lightness I have not experienced for quite a while- it cleared my blurry eyes and I was reminded me that this is not the end, it may be hard but its not the end.......HopeOnJourneyOn
Saturday, April 1, 2017
One Day at a Time
One Day at a Time
One Day at a Time has been a very hard thing for me to learn and practice- I'm a planner and I like to know at least a day in advance what my day is going to be like, I'm not a fan of surprises, I thrive with routine. I am learning through hands on school that I am supposed to take one day at a time and it has been a struggle. I am thinking the reason for the" One Day at a Time" is because I need to enjoy "the moment" instead of always worrying about what may happen-..So I have been practicing, and making a conscious choice to enjoy those hugs a little longer, put away to do lists and talk, let the vacuuming and cleaning wait because today is a good day and I need to enjoy those good days-- I heard this from somewhere --its those good days where I am talking and laughing and interacting with my daughters that trust is built, and hopefully through trust, more good days lie ahead-----so I am going with that. Pretty much I'm going off of HOPE and FAITH.
After 4 months of intensive residential treatment my daughter came home, I had taken many safety precautions and life was feeling pretty okay- I felt like everything was planned out schooling, safety, my calendar was full of the times, days, appts. we had in place, we were moving forward and then....I went to pick up my daughter from the bus after school and I had a sick feeling. I watched as the kids got off one by one, I looked for her hair, her sweater,I knew she was not on the bus.....I knew my daughter was missing. I went home, searched her room, nothing was gone. I waited, I hoped, I prayed, I cried out to my Heavenly Father as I was driving down the road to please guide me to my daughter. I called and made a police report--it was strange, I had noted in my head exactly what my daughter was wearing from how her hair was done to the shoes on her feet. I started looking through phone numbers,and my husband started making phone calls- I went to bed that night (well slept on the couch) and every car that went by I would lay there hoping it was her, I would fall asleep and have horrible dreams about situations she may be in and I would wake up in a panic. I felt like I was living a hellish dream, I prayed, I cried, I pleaded for her safety--at that point I just wanted her safe. The next day my other daughter made a post on social media and by 4pm we had some leads and had the cops meet us and we found her. She was then hospitalized,,,,again....but this time was different, there was no definite plan. I have always had direction as to what the next step is, I always had a plan.. I cried and prayed, still no answer. I was a mess not knowing. One day out of frustration I was broken. I packed my purse, a jacket and a good book and my blankie my mom made me and I ran away, to the Brigham City Walmart where nobody would notice me and I sat in my car and cried and prayed and tried to read, after an hour and a half and decided to pull it together and went home. I went to my doctors in tears telling him I cry, I forget things constantly and I am just a mess and maybe I was getting depressed, I was falling apart. My doctor told me I was severly sleep deprived and he gave me something to help me with my sleep-- (still have not had a night where I have felt comfortable taking it). Pepsi is my friend and tiny cat naps are my joy.
We still do not have a definite plan, but a survival plan is what is seems like we are going off of. I am enjoying every good moment with my daughters and trying to not be a stressed mess. My face has aged dramatically over the past months which makes me sad, the dark circles and puffy eyes are not easy to cover anymore-- I am not able to hide my worry on my face--but I am still going, praying, trying to live my life with exactness so I can receive direction. As I was whining to a friend of how hard this has all been and how I have so many regrets of things I now cannot change, she reminded me of all I have learned, the lives I have become involoved in, I have a different life than I had ever imagined, I am aware of things I never knew it existed but I know there is something more-- one day at a time and once again no definite plan.
This morning as I was watching conference Elder Hollands talk had me in tears.
Sometimes it is hard to sing the Sunny, Bouncy Lyrics. He then talked about mental illness and counseled us "Do not let the Children of God Suffer in Silence" and may we "Be endowed with the capacity to hear the songs they now cannot sing"...............
I know there are many of our children suffering--I look at kids and our youth differently than I used to--I have a soft spot in my heart for those struggling and I also celebrate in their accomplishments. I don't know what Is going to happen tomorrow, next week or next month but I do know I love my girls, I badly want my daughters mental illness to go away, I want her healed, I want her to be able to go to school, dances, and laugh and have fun like others her age. I will never give up, God knows all, and as I am struggling to find answers I am also being blessed. Still in the back of my mind I am pleading for my baby girls to be okay---and that one day I will get some sleep.
One Day at a Time has been a very hard thing for me to learn and practice- I'm a planner and I like to know at least a day in advance what my day is going to be like, I'm not a fan of surprises, I thrive with routine. I am learning through hands on school that I am supposed to take one day at a time and it has been a struggle. I am thinking the reason for the" One Day at a Time" is because I need to enjoy "the moment" instead of always worrying about what may happen-..So I have been practicing, and making a conscious choice to enjoy those hugs a little longer, put away to do lists and talk, let the vacuuming and cleaning wait because today is a good day and I need to enjoy those good days-- I heard this from somewhere --its those good days where I am talking and laughing and interacting with my daughters that trust is built, and hopefully through trust, more good days lie ahead-----so I am going with that. Pretty much I'm going off of HOPE and FAITH.
After 4 months of intensive residential treatment my daughter came home, I had taken many safety precautions and life was feeling pretty okay- I felt like everything was planned out schooling, safety, my calendar was full of the times, days, appts. we had in place, we were moving forward and then....I went to pick up my daughter from the bus after school and I had a sick feeling. I watched as the kids got off one by one, I looked for her hair, her sweater,I knew she was not on the bus.....I knew my daughter was missing. I went home, searched her room, nothing was gone. I waited, I hoped, I prayed, I cried out to my Heavenly Father as I was driving down the road to please guide me to my daughter. I called and made a police report--it was strange, I had noted in my head exactly what my daughter was wearing from how her hair was done to the shoes on her feet. I started looking through phone numbers,and my husband started making phone calls- I went to bed that night (well slept on the couch) and every car that went by I would lay there hoping it was her, I would fall asleep and have horrible dreams about situations she may be in and I would wake up in a panic. I felt like I was living a hellish dream, I prayed, I cried, I pleaded for her safety--at that point I just wanted her safe. The next day my other daughter made a post on social media and by 4pm we had some leads and had the cops meet us and we found her. She was then hospitalized,,,,again....but this time was different, there was no definite plan. I have always had direction as to what the next step is, I always had a plan.. I cried and prayed, still no answer. I was a mess not knowing. One day out of frustration I was broken. I packed my purse, a jacket and a good book and my blankie my mom made me and I ran away, to the Brigham City Walmart where nobody would notice me and I sat in my car and cried and prayed and tried to read, after an hour and a half and decided to pull it together and went home. I went to my doctors in tears telling him I cry, I forget things constantly and I am just a mess and maybe I was getting depressed, I was falling apart. My doctor told me I was severly sleep deprived and he gave me something to help me with my sleep-- (still have not had a night where I have felt comfortable taking it). Pepsi is my friend and tiny cat naps are my joy.
We still do not have a definite plan, but a survival plan is what is seems like we are going off of. I am enjoying every good moment with my daughters and trying to not be a stressed mess. My face has aged dramatically over the past months which makes me sad, the dark circles and puffy eyes are not easy to cover anymore-- I am not able to hide my worry on my face--but I am still going, praying, trying to live my life with exactness so I can receive direction. As I was whining to a friend of how hard this has all been and how I have so many regrets of things I now cannot change, she reminded me of all I have learned, the lives I have become involoved in, I have a different life than I had ever imagined, I am aware of things I never knew it existed but I know there is something more-- one day at a time and once again no definite plan.
This morning as I was watching conference Elder Hollands talk had me in tears.
Sometimes it is hard to sing the Sunny, Bouncy Lyrics. He then talked about mental illness and counseled us "Do not let the Children of God Suffer in Silence" and may we "Be endowed with the capacity to hear the songs they now cannot sing"...............
I know there are many of our children suffering--I look at kids and our youth differently than I used to--I have a soft spot in my heart for those struggling and I also celebrate in their accomplishments. I don't know what Is going to happen tomorrow, next week or next month but I do know I love my girls, I badly want my daughters mental illness to go away, I want her healed, I want her to be able to go to school, dances, and laugh and have fun like others her age. I will never give up, God knows all, and as I am struggling to find answers I am also being blessed. Still in the back of my mind I am pleading for my baby girls to be okay---and that one day I will get some sleep.
Monday, January 23, 2017
Just a thought...
Yesterday evening as I was driving Kiara back to Taylorsville to where she has been staying the past 2 months for residential treatment (the last 2 weekends she has came home over night for visits in preparation for her coming home for good hopefully this week) we were driving through another snow storm. Those who know me know that I am a cry baby when it comes to driving in bad weather, I get stressed, make everyone "be quiet so I can see better" and it is just not a good experience, Since Kiara has been is residential I have been forced to face this fear of driving on the freeway next to big semi trucks and other intimidating drivers in a bad snow storm- I have been quite happy with my successes but I still don't like it when I am doing it. Last night, as we started out is was snowing but I could still see. As we continued going south, it got worse and pretty soon my windows were getting foggy, the roads were slick and I was going slow and cautious trying to not make things worse than they were. I had made the comment to Kiara that hopefully this was the last weekend that I was taking Kiara back to residential to sleep over--I am so ready for this Beautiful Lady to come back home, and sleep in her own bed. As we approached Salt Lake, the snow was less and less, my wipers slowed down and I was starting to relax. Then we noticed it was getting brighter, seeing where I was going was clear. The sky was absolutely beautiful--we could see all the lights at the factories and everything glowed-- we looked to the east and could see the beautiful mountains covered in the snow, the sky was clear and sharp-everything breathtaking. Me and Kiara commented about how beautiful everything looked.
My mind started to wander, and I started to think about this storm I feel like I have been going through--I don't like it, I have been a cry baby at times, its been stressful but there have been moments I have been quite happy with successes-but I still hope to not go through this storm again. I have had an aching heart as Kiara has been hospitalized and in treatment, and then the past few days with my sisters passing, But I do know this, at the end of the storm is always a clearing, giving us a time to feel peace. Sometimes after the storm we see real beauty more clearly. I came home with a great deal of peace inside of me--not saying the clarity that I experienced last night will last but I was given a moment to pause and reflect and gear up again knowing I can handle the next storm.
I am strong because I have no other choice
(my cousin friend sent me this)
Yesterday evening as I was driving Kiara back to Taylorsville to where she has been staying the past 2 months for residential treatment (the last 2 weekends she has came home over night for visits in preparation for her coming home for good hopefully this week) we were driving through another snow storm. Those who know me know that I am a cry baby when it comes to driving in bad weather, I get stressed, make everyone "be quiet so I can see better" and it is just not a good experience, Since Kiara has been is residential I have been forced to face this fear of driving on the freeway next to big semi trucks and other intimidating drivers in a bad snow storm- I have been quite happy with my successes but I still don't like it when I am doing it. Last night, as we started out is was snowing but I could still see. As we continued going south, it got worse and pretty soon my windows were getting foggy, the roads were slick and I was going slow and cautious trying to not make things worse than they were. I had made the comment to Kiara that hopefully this was the last weekend that I was taking Kiara back to residential to sleep over--I am so ready for this Beautiful Lady to come back home, and sleep in her own bed. As we approached Salt Lake, the snow was less and less, my wipers slowed down and I was starting to relax. Then we noticed it was getting brighter, seeing where I was going was clear. The sky was absolutely beautiful--we could see all the lights at the factories and everything glowed-- we looked to the east and could see the beautiful mountains covered in the snow, the sky was clear and sharp-everything breathtaking. Me and Kiara commented about how beautiful everything looked.
My mind started to wander, and I started to think about this storm I feel like I have been going through--I don't like it, I have been a cry baby at times, its been stressful but there have been moments I have been quite happy with successes-but I still hope to not go through this storm again. I have had an aching heart as Kiara has been hospitalized and in treatment, and then the past few days with my sisters passing, But I do know this, at the end of the storm is always a clearing, giving us a time to feel peace. Sometimes after the storm we see real beauty more clearly. I came home with a great deal of peace inside of me--not saying the clarity that I experienced last night will last but I was given a moment to pause and reflect and gear up again knowing I can handle the next storm.
I am strong because I have no other choice
(my cousin friend sent me this)
Sunday, January 1, 2017
51 Days
DAY 51
I cannot believe it has been 51 Days-- it feels like yesterday at times, and other times it feels like it has been forever. For the most part, I was shocked when I counted the actual days, I knew the entire month of December had gone by but I was still shocked. I have basically been running on auto pilot, with a few down days to refill.
Yesterday my 13 year old said something to me that struck a chord. This is what she said "Mom, sometimes I feel like people around me want to ask me about Kiara but they are afraid that it might make me sad so then it becomes an awkward silence"....I realized I needed to take the advice of the instructor of one of the classes I am taking and speak the truth, that it is not a secret and actually making it a secret undermines all of the hard work Kiara has been putting in. I decided to put this in a blog so those who want to know can choose to read and others may just skip over it.
On the evening of Nov 12, it was just me and Kiara at home, and she attempted suicide. I was aware she was struggling so I was keeping an eye on her, but all it took was a little time and a distraught young lady and without going into detail, I realized something was drastically wrong, with the help of the 911 operator, I was able to get my beautiful girl breathing again. All I remember after that was the police and I think about every responder in North Ogden rushing into my home, my son in law and a dear neighbor friend giving me a priesthood blessing, and the responders telling me "momma you did a good job" and the feeling of deep compassion and care I received from every officer and responder and others who entered my home that evening. I only give few details because sometimes people look at an attempt as a form of rebellion--it never is, each time is serious and real and this was life altering and changed me.
After a long night and a good bishop sitting in the waiting room to make sure we were okay, Kiara was transferred to UNI for 10 Days, home for 1 then admitted into Primary Childrens Psychiatry inpatient unit for a few weeks and has been in their residential program since. That means 51 days I have not been able to hug my daughter goodnight (even when we were not getting along we always hugged and told eachother goodnight). We have recently started with home visits where I go and pick up Kiara for the day and take her back at night which I have decided are super hard--fun to have her home and for a little bit feeling like everything is "normal" but super hard driving her back. Kiara is working hard every day, her therapist is always reminding me what a "very brave" daughter I have. She goes to their school, only having a few days off for Christmas break. She has learned how to knit hats and made all us one and is now working on some that she wants to donate to the new youth homeless center here in Ogden. She takes part in counseling and rehab groups and she has her goals once again for when she gradualtes from high school. I feel at peace knowing she is safe where she is and she is getting so much help.
I drive back and forth 3-4 times a week (it is over an hour away in driving time) and I take 2 different classes along with family counseling with Kiara. I have been overwhelmed, I have cried a ton, I have laughed, I have been angry and I have been exhausted. Through all of this, I have made new friends, I have relied on old friends, and I have learned to have faith and trust in prayer and my Heavenly Father like I have never had before. One day as I was driving there and thinking about what was going on and how my heart physically hurt for my daughter, I realized how much my Heavenly Father loved me and I would imagine tears streaming down his cheeks as he knew as much as he would love to fix this situation for me and take the pain away that he couldn't, it was something I needed to do but, he would not leave me alone to fix it, he would place in front of me every tool possible to get through this but it was up to me to reach out and use those tools, just as I am doing with Kiara.
I was promised by our Stake President and the General Authority who presided over our Stake Conference when all of this was fresh, that if I would attend the temple weekly that not only would I receive blessings but they would trickle down to Kiara as she is going through this hard time. Every time I get overwhelmed, I think of their words and even though I know this is going to be a long and hard road and I have had to learn to have faith when I am terrified, and when I am exhausted and wonder how I can keep doing this, I am given that extra boost.
Yesterday we went and seen the movie Collateral Beauty. I realized during all of this I have learned to absorb and notice "moments'. The smile on the staffs face when I go and see Kiara and my favorite one with the black and white striped hair who loves those kids she works with. The smell of fresh baked cookies and bread as I walk into the facility because they are teaching the kids life skills, the Christmas tree as I walk in full of presents underneath for the kids, the feeling they provide as close to home as possible, the visit with Kiaras vice principal and the gift he left her which she hung over her bed, those tight hugs and kisses I get each time I come and go from spending time with Kiara, the sadness I feel when I look at each kid followed by a warm feeling that they are getting help, the heartache I feel for other parents as they share their experience, the look on my 4 year old grandsons face as he expresses "he was just thinking about WAWA and how ne never, never wants her to get sick again" Oh the love that surrounds her is wonderful. I have realized there is so much good and beauty all around us. I am learning so much and though I wish this experience did not happen, my heart has been opened, my mind has been stretched. The truth is, this is hard, but Kiara is working hard, we miss her, Kloe misses her sister talks and having Kiara at home, sometimes this sucks, but its okay to ask, What is taking place is not a secret and I am super proud of Kiara and the rest of my family. I feel like Suicide needs to be talked about, it is taking place in our schools, our friends families, people need to know they can reach out, and to who and where and those families who have been affected need our love, our continued support, and us to not judge or make assumptions---this truly affects so many---there are so many hurting its a lot more than we thing but hopefully me sharing bits and pieces of my journey as a mom others wont feel so alone.
I cannot believe it has been 51 Days-- it feels like yesterday at times, and other times it feels like it has been forever. For the most part, I was shocked when I counted the actual days, I knew the entire month of December had gone by but I was still shocked. I have basically been running on auto pilot, with a few down days to refill.
Yesterday my 13 year old said something to me that struck a chord. This is what she said "Mom, sometimes I feel like people around me want to ask me about Kiara but they are afraid that it might make me sad so then it becomes an awkward silence"....I realized I needed to take the advice of the instructor of one of the classes I am taking and speak the truth, that it is not a secret and actually making it a secret undermines all of the hard work Kiara has been putting in. I decided to put this in a blog so those who want to know can choose to read and others may just skip over it.
On the evening of Nov 12, it was just me and Kiara at home, and she attempted suicide. I was aware she was struggling so I was keeping an eye on her, but all it took was a little time and a distraught young lady and without going into detail, I realized something was drastically wrong, with the help of the 911 operator, I was able to get my beautiful girl breathing again. All I remember after that was the police and I think about every responder in North Ogden rushing into my home, my son in law and a dear neighbor friend giving me a priesthood blessing, and the responders telling me "momma you did a good job" and the feeling of deep compassion and care I received from every officer and responder and others who entered my home that evening. I only give few details because sometimes people look at an attempt as a form of rebellion--it never is, each time is serious and real and this was life altering and changed me.
After a long night and a good bishop sitting in the waiting room to make sure we were okay, Kiara was transferred to UNI for 10 Days, home for 1 then admitted into Primary Childrens Psychiatry inpatient unit for a few weeks and has been in their residential program since. That means 51 days I have not been able to hug my daughter goodnight (even when we were not getting along we always hugged and told eachother goodnight). We have recently started with home visits where I go and pick up Kiara for the day and take her back at night which I have decided are super hard--fun to have her home and for a little bit feeling like everything is "normal" but super hard driving her back. Kiara is working hard every day, her therapist is always reminding me what a "very brave" daughter I have. She goes to their school, only having a few days off for Christmas break. She has learned how to knit hats and made all us one and is now working on some that she wants to donate to the new youth homeless center here in Ogden. She takes part in counseling and rehab groups and she has her goals once again for when she gradualtes from high school. I feel at peace knowing she is safe where she is and she is getting so much help.
I drive back and forth 3-4 times a week (it is over an hour away in driving time) and I take 2 different classes along with family counseling with Kiara. I have been overwhelmed, I have cried a ton, I have laughed, I have been angry and I have been exhausted. Through all of this, I have made new friends, I have relied on old friends, and I have learned to have faith and trust in prayer and my Heavenly Father like I have never had before. One day as I was driving there and thinking about what was going on and how my heart physically hurt for my daughter, I realized how much my Heavenly Father loved me and I would imagine tears streaming down his cheeks as he knew as much as he would love to fix this situation for me and take the pain away that he couldn't, it was something I needed to do but, he would not leave me alone to fix it, he would place in front of me every tool possible to get through this but it was up to me to reach out and use those tools, just as I am doing with Kiara.
I was promised by our Stake President and the General Authority who presided over our Stake Conference when all of this was fresh, that if I would attend the temple weekly that not only would I receive blessings but they would trickle down to Kiara as she is going through this hard time. Every time I get overwhelmed, I think of their words and even though I know this is going to be a long and hard road and I have had to learn to have faith when I am terrified, and when I am exhausted and wonder how I can keep doing this, I am given that extra boost.
Yesterday we went and seen the movie Collateral Beauty. I realized during all of this I have learned to absorb and notice "moments'. The smile on the staffs face when I go and see Kiara and my favorite one with the black and white striped hair who loves those kids she works with. The smell of fresh baked cookies and bread as I walk into the facility because they are teaching the kids life skills, the Christmas tree as I walk in full of presents underneath for the kids, the feeling they provide as close to home as possible, the visit with Kiaras vice principal and the gift he left her which she hung over her bed, those tight hugs and kisses I get each time I come and go from spending time with Kiara, the sadness I feel when I look at each kid followed by a warm feeling that they are getting help, the heartache I feel for other parents as they share their experience, the look on my 4 year old grandsons face as he expresses "he was just thinking about WAWA and how ne never, never wants her to get sick again" Oh the love that surrounds her is wonderful. I have realized there is so much good and beauty all around us. I am learning so much and though I wish this experience did not happen, my heart has been opened, my mind has been stretched. The truth is, this is hard, but Kiara is working hard, we miss her, Kloe misses her sister talks and having Kiara at home, sometimes this sucks, but its okay to ask, What is taking place is not a secret and I am super proud of Kiara and the rest of my family. I feel like Suicide needs to be talked about, it is taking place in our schools, our friends families, people need to know they can reach out, and to who and where and those families who have been affected need our love, our continued support, and us to not judge or make assumptions---this truly affects so many---there are so many hurting its a lot more than we thing but hopefully me sharing bits and pieces of my journey as a mom others wont feel so alone.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Boo Boo Lips
Boo Boo Lips, that is what the Nurses at the hospital named a beautiful 7lb. 2oz. 18 inches short, dark headed baby girl. This baby girl is mine and I sure was a proud momma. When I found out I was pregnant with my second child, I was scared. Scared that I would not have enough love to split between my 2 kids. I could not imagine loving another child as much as I loved my other one. As I held this sweet little baby for the very first time, my heart was ready to burst, I had so much love. During my pregnancy I had moved back in with my parents along with my already 2 year old. My parents gave up their bedroom so I had a private place with my kids. What a blessing it was to have my mom in with me as I brought this sweet little baby into the world. My mom was my coach, and cheerleader. She was the one who cut the cord, and held Kylee first. A bond was created that morning between a grandma and her grandbaby that turned into one of lifes greatest blessings... This little bundle of joy also came into this world with an attitude.. The nurses named her boo boo lips because when someone was not holding her, standing up, bouncing, she would squint her whole face and pucker those sweet quivering lips and let out a cry. She knew what she wanted from the very start and had quite the stubborn streak. As a young mom with 2 small children working 50 hrs a week to support these girls, this little Tom boy taught me humility, patience, and unconditional love. She loved to wear dresses but hated her hair combed and loved to play in the dirt. She is a tough little cookie who knew what she wanted and not even grandma could change her mind.. This quality of hers that was troubling for me as a mom turned out to be something I learned to admire and respect. Kylee is a fighter and is her own individual who has a passion for those she loves. Under that tough skin is a heart that is as soft and big as they get. She will help anyone in need without any expectation in return. She has turned into a great friend of mine who I look forward to her Tuesday laundry visits, her texts at 1 in the morning and her sarcasm. What an amazing woman she has grown into and what a lucky mom I am to be able to call her my daughter... Happy 20th birthday Boo Boo Lips!!! I Love You Kylee!!!!
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