Some things are hard to talk about and cause me to second guess myself and then there are those throw up in your mouth feeling things that are really really hard to talk about.  I have been carrying a heavy load on my shoulders, I have been asking why, when, where and how.  This dark cloud that has been hovering over my house is literally tearing this mommas heart right out of my chest and shredding it to pieces. I have never questioned every aspect of my parenting, my wifeyness, and my over all qualities of a woman as I have recently...... all because of DRUGS.
     DRUGS- the nasty D word that rips apart families and ruins precious souls, destroying, suffocating spirits slowly at first and then picks up a speed that feels out of control.  I have had a painful ache in my heart that at times I was worried I might be having an anxiety attack or stroke but then I realize it is an actual physical ache that I have for someone I love so dearly.  It was a challenge at first for me to go deep inside myself and realize this is real, and it is dangerous, it is so hard admitting and even harder to accept.  Accepting had to come for me to be able to actually move forward with some sort of plan.  But Drugs don't follow plans. My life feels chaotic, and restless. This is a world I never wanted to be a part of, it is very foreign to me.  I have learned to be vulnerable, to seek help and I have learned to listen to others.
     This past Sunday in sacrament meeting, a young man leaving on a mission spoke. (I did not even want to go to church this day because I was exhausted). He spoke about his experiences at work, I believe he may have been a CNA. He was talking about a lady he cared for but did not really have a working memory-- The part of his talk that spoke to me was when he thought about how wonderful it will be when he meets this person who he has lovingly cared for here on earth  but is not able to acknowledge it, but in the after life when he meets this person again and the person remembers how he treated her,   My heart was full as I needed this reminder that this earth life is a preparation for eternal life, that there is so much more, and much greater than we can imagine and this child of God who I love so much and who my heart aches for will see me and recognize me, and will know my love was continuous and real and powerful and that even though on earth it was not recognized, it will then be felt and known, and absorbed and that the ache in my heart will be healed and whole once again. For a moment in church as this young man spoke, I felt peace and a lightness I have not experienced for quite a while- it cleared my blurry eyes and I was reminded me that this is not the end, it may be hard but its not the end.......HopeOnJourneyOn

One Day at a Time

                                                         One Day at a Time


     One Day at a Time has been a very hard thing for me to learn and practice- I'm a planner and I like to know at least a day in advance what my day is going to be like, I'm not a fan of surprises, I thrive with routine. I am learning through hands on school that I am supposed to take one day at a time and it has been a struggle.  I am thinking the reason for the" One Day at a Time" is because I need to enjoy "the moment" instead of always worrying about what may happen-..So I have been practicing, and making a conscious choice to enjoy those hugs a little longer, put away to do lists and talk, let the vacuuming and cleaning wait because today is a good day and I need to enjoy those good days-- I heard this from somewhere --its those good days where I am talking and laughing and interacting with my daughters that trust is built, and hopefully through trust, more good days lie ahead-----so I am going with that.  Pretty much I'm going off of HOPE and FAITH.
      After 4 months of intensive residential treatment my daughter came home,  I had taken many safety precautions and life was feeling pretty okay- I felt like everything was planned out schooling, safety,  my calendar was full of the times, days, appts. we had in place, we were moving forward and then....I went to pick up my daughter from the bus after school and I had a sick feeling.  I watched as the kids got off one by one, I looked for her hair, her sweater,I knew she was not on the bus.....I knew my daughter was missing.  I went home, searched her room, nothing was gone. I waited, I hoped, I prayed, I cried out to my Heavenly Father as I was driving down the road to please guide me to my daughter.  I called and made a police report--it was strange, I had noted in my head exactly what my daughter was wearing from how her hair was done to the shoes on her feet.  I started looking through phone numbers,and my husband started making phone calls- I went to bed that night (well slept on the couch) and every car that went by I would lay there hoping it was her, I would fall asleep and have horrible dreams about situations she may be in and I would wake up in a panic. I felt like I was living a hellish dream, I prayed, I cried, I pleaded for her safety--at that point I just wanted her safe. The next day my other daughter made a post on social media and by 4pm we had some leads and had the cops meet us and we found her. She was then hospitalized,,,,again....but this time was different, there was no definite plan.  I have always had direction as to what the next step is, I always had a plan.. I cried and prayed, still no answer. I was a mess not knowing. One day out of frustration I was broken.  I packed my purse, a jacket and a good book and my blankie my mom made me and I ran away, to the Brigham City Walmart where nobody would notice me and I sat in my car and cried and prayed and tried to read, after an hour and a half and decided to pull it together and went home.  I went to my doctors in tears telling him I cry, I forget things constantly and I am just a mess and maybe I was getting depressed, I was falling apart.  My doctor told me I was severly sleep deprived and he gave me something to help me with my sleep-- (still have not had a night where I have felt comfortable taking it).  Pepsi is my friend and tiny cat naps are my joy.
     We still do not have a definite plan, but a survival plan is what is seems like we are going off of.  I am enjoying every good moment with my daughters and trying to not be a stressed mess.  My face has aged dramatically over the past months which makes me sad, the dark circles and puffy eyes are not easy to cover anymore-- I am not able to hide my worry on my face--but I am still going, praying, trying to live my life with exactness so I can receive direction.  As I was whining to a friend of how hard this has all been and how I have so many regrets of things I now cannot change, she reminded me of all I have learned, the lives I have become involoved in, I have a different life than I had ever imagined, I am aware of things I never knew it existed but I know there is something more-- one day at a time and once again no definite plan.
      This morning as I was watching conference Elder Hollands talk had me in tears.
Sometimes it is hard to sing the Sunny, Bouncy Lyrics.  He then talked about mental illness and counseled us "Do not let the Children of God Suffer in Silence" and may we "Be endowed with the capacity to hear the songs they now cannot sing"............... 
     I know there are many of our children suffering--I look at kids and our youth differently than I used to--I have a soft spot in my heart for those struggling and I also celebrate in their accomplishments.  I don't know what Is going to happen tomorrow, next week or next month but I do know I love my girls, I badly want my daughters mental illness to go away, I want her healed, I want her to be able to go to school, dances, and laugh and have fun like others her age. I will never give up,  God knows all, and as I am struggling to find answers I am also being blessed.  Still in the back of my mind I am pleading for my baby girls to be okay---and that one day I will get some sleep.

Just a thought...
     Yesterday evening as I was driving Kiara back to Taylorsville to where she has been staying the past 2 months for residential treatment (the last 2 weekends she has came home over night for visits in preparation for her coming home for good hopefully this week) we were driving through another snow storm.  Those who know me know that I am a cry baby when it comes to driving in bad weather, I get stressed, make everyone "be quiet so I can see better" and it is just not a good experience,  Since Kiara has been is residential I have been forced to face this fear of driving on the freeway next to big semi trucks and other intimidating drivers in a bad snow storm- I have been quite happy with my successes but I still don't like it when I am doing it.  Last night, as we started out is was snowing but I could still see.  As we continued going south, it got worse and pretty soon my windows were getting foggy, the roads were slick and I was going slow and cautious trying to not make things worse than they were.  I had made the comment to Kiara that hopefully this was the last weekend that I was taking Kiara back to residential to sleep over--I am so ready for this Beautiful Lady to come back home, and sleep in her own bed.  As we approached Salt Lake, the snow was less and less, my wipers slowed down and I was starting to relax.  Then we noticed it was getting brighter, seeing where I was going was clear.  The sky was absolutely beautiful--we could see all the lights at the factories and everything glowed-- we looked to the east and could see the beautiful mountains covered in the snow, the sky was clear and sharp-everything breathtaking.  Me and Kiara commented about how beautiful everything looked.
     My mind started to wander, and I started to think about this storm I feel like I have been going through--I don't like it, I have been a cry baby at times, its been stressful but there have been moments I have been quite happy with successes-but I still hope to not go through this storm again.  I have had an aching heart as Kiara has been hospitalized and in treatment, and then the past few days with my sisters passing, But I do know this, at the end of the storm is always a clearing, giving us a time to feel peace.  Sometimes after the storm we see real beauty more clearly.  I came home with a great deal of peace inside of me--not saying the clarity that I experienced last night will last but I was given a moment to pause and reflect and gear up again knowing I can handle the next storm. 
                                            I am strong because I have no other choice
                                                (my cousin friend sent me this)
                             

51 Days

                                                                   DAY 51

     I cannot believe it has been 51 Days-- it feels like yesterday at times, and other times it feels like it has been forever.  For the most part, I was shocked when I counted the actual days, I knew the entire month of December had gone by but I was still shocked.  I have basically been running on auto pilot, with a few down days to refill. 
     Yesterday my 13 year old said something to me that struck a chord.  This is what she said "Mom, sometimes I feel like people around me want to ask me about Kiara but they are afraid that it might make me sad so then it becomes an awkward silence"....I realized I needed to take the advice of the instructor of one of the classes I am taking and speak the truth, that it is not a secret and actually making it a secret undermines all of the hard work Kiara has been putting in. I decided to put this in a blog so those who want to know can choose to  read and others may just skip over it.
     On the evening of Nov 12, it was just me and Kiara at home, and she attempted suicide.  I was aware she was struggling so I was keeping an eye on her, but all it took was a little time and a distraught young lady and without going into detail, I realized something was drastically wrong, with the help of the 911 operator, I was able to get my beautiful girl breathing again.  All I remember after that was the police and I think about every responder in North Ogden rushing into my home, my son in law and a dear neighbor friend giving me a priesthood blessing, and the responders telling me "momma you did a good job" and the feeling of deep compassion and care I received from every officer and responder and others who entered my home that evening.  I only give few details because sometimes people look at an attempt as a form of rebellion--it never  is, each time is serious and real and this was life altering and changed me.
     After a long night and a good bishop sitting in the waiting room to make sure we were okay, Kiara was transferred to UNI for 10 Days, home for 1 then admitted into Primary Childrens Psychiatry inpatient unit for a few weeks and has been in their residential program since. That means 51 days I have not been able to hug my daughter goodnight (even when we were not getting along we always hugged and told eachother goodnight). We have recently started with home visits where I go and pick up Kiara for the day and take her back at night which I have decided are super hard--fun to have her home and for a little bit feeling  like everything is "normal" but super hard driving her back.  Kiara is working hard every day, her therapist is always reminding me what a "very brave" daughter I have.  She goes to their school, only having a few days off for Christmas break.  She has learned how to knit hats and made all us one and is now working on some that she wants to donate to the new youth homeless center here in Ogden.  She takes part in counseling and rehab groups and she has her goals once again for when she gradualtes from high school.  I feel at peace knowing she is safe where she is and she is getting so much help.
     I drive back and forth 3-4 times a week (it is over an hour away in driving time) and I take 2 different classes along with family counseling with Kiara.  I have been overwhelmed, I have cried a ton, I have laughed, I have been angry and I have been exhausted.  Through all of this, I have made new friends, I have relied on old friends, and I have learned to have faith and trust in prayer and my Heavenly Father like I have never had before.  One day as I was driving there and thinking about what was going on and how my heart physically hurt for my daughter, I realized how much my Heavenly Father loved me and I would imagine tears streaming down his cheeks as he knew as much as he would love to fix this situation for me and take the pain away that he couldn't, it was something I needed to do but, he would not leave me alone to fix it, he would place in front of me every tool possible to get through this but it was up to me to reach out and use those tools, just as I am doing with Kiara.
     I was promised by our Stake President and the General Authority who presided over our Stake Conference when all of this was fresh, that if I would attend the temple weekly that not only would I receive blessings but they would trickle down to Kiara as she is going through this hard time.  Every time I get overwhelmed, I think of their words and even though I know this is going to be a long and hard road and I have had to learn to have faith when I am terrified, and when I am exhausted and wonder how I can keep doing this, I am given that extra boost.
     Yesterday we went and seen the movie Collateral Beauty.   I realized during all of this I have learned to absorb and notice "moments'.  The smile on the staffs face when I go and see Kiara and my favorite one with the black and white striped hair who loves those kids she works with.  The smell of fresh baked cookies and bread as I walk into the facility because they are teaching the kids life skills, the Christmas tree as I walk in full of presents underneath for the kids, the feeling they provide as close to home as possible, the visit with Kiaras vice principal and the gift he left her which she hung over her bed, those tight hugs and kisses I get each time I come and go from spending time with Kiara, the sadness I feel when I look at each kid followed by a warm feeling that they are getting help, the heartache I feel for other parents as they share their experience, the look on my 4 year old grandsons face as he expresses "he was just thinking about WAWA and how ne never, never wants her to get sick again"  Oh the love that surrounds her is wonderful.  I have realized there is so much good and beauty all around us. I am learning so much and though I wish this experience did not happen, my heart has been opened, my mind has been stretched. The truth is, this is hard, but Kiara is working hard, we miss her, Kloe misses her sister talks and having Kiara at home, sometimes this sucks, but its okay to ask, What is taking place is not a secret and I am super proud of Kiara and the rest of my family. I feel like Suicide needs to be talked about, it is taking place in our schools, our friends families, people need to know they can reach out, and to who and where and those families who have been affected need our love, our continued support, and us to not judge or make assumptions---this truly affects so many---there are so many hurting its a lot more than we thing but hopefully me sharing bits and pieces of my journey as a mom others wont feel so alone.
      

Boo Boo Lips

Boo Boo Lips, that is what the Nurses at the hospital named a beautiful 7lb. 2oz. 18 inches short, dark headed baby girl. This baby girl is mine and I sure was a proud momma. When I found out I was pregnant with my second child, I was scared. Scared that I would not have enough love to split between my 2 kids. I could not imagine loving another child as much as I loved my other one. As I held this sweet little baby for the very first time, my heart was ready to burst, I had so much love. During my pregnancy I had moved back in with my parents along with my already 2 year old. My parents gave up their bedroom so I had a private place with my kids. What a blessing it was to have my mom in with me as I brought this sweet little baby into the world. My mom was my coach, and cheerleader. She was the one who cut the cord, and held Kylee first. A bond was created that morning between a grandma and her grandbaby that turned into one of lifes greatest blessings... This little bundle of joy also came into this world with an attitude.. The nurses named her boo boo lips because when someone was not holding her, standing up, bouncing, she would squint her whole face and pucker those sweet quivering lips and let out a cry. She knew what she wanted from the very start and had quite the stubborn streak. As a young mom with 2 small children working 50 hrs a week to support these girls, this little Tom boy taught me humility, patience, and unconditional love. She loved to wear dresses but hated her hair combed and loved to play in the dirt. She is a tough little cookie who knew what she wanted and not even grandma could change her mind.. This quality of hers that was troubling for me as a mom turned out to be something I learned to admire and respect. Kylee is a fighter and is her own individual who has a passion for those she loves. Under that tough skin is a heart that is as soft and big as they get. She will help anyone in need without any expectation in return. She has turned into a great friend of mine who I look forward to her Tuesday laundry visits, her texts at 1 in the morning and her sarcasm. What an amazing woman she has grown into and what a lucky mom I am to be able to call her my daughter... Happy 20th birthday Boo Boo Lips!!! I Love You Kylee!!!!

Who would have thought

Who would have thought..............

I would be thanking my Heavenly Father for my daughter having a "Good Tumor".

I would learn what dignity and grace was from an 18 year old girl, who while in a ton of pain still manages to say "Thankyou".

that scraping a foot of snow off of my car to travel would be such an exciting feeling (that was the day I was able to take Kylee home form the hospital).

that I would ever be able to swallow my pride and realize that yes, I do need help from other people, that I am not superwoman.

that I would be able to sleep in a strange waiting room all by myself and actually feel safe.

that I could walk away leaving my daughters life into anothers hands and feel confident and secure that it would be okay.

there was so many bumps and uneven parts in a road (we learned this on our way home from the hospital.)

that I would be terrified to comb my childs hair, in fear of hurting her.

that I would let people in my house when it is as absolute disaster and actually be thankful for thier visits.

that having my 18 year old sleep in until eleven would be a good and happy thing.

that I would climb into the shower to help my daughter, clothes and all and not even care that I was all wet.

that fresh air would ever feel so good.

that I would be so excited to finally get to turn the lights on in my house and open the blinds (it made Kylee's head hurt for a while to do any of that).

that staples in a head would look like a work of art (I know the mans hands who did this and I know he did every little stitch with love and care)

That waking up in my own bed, knowing my family was safe and healing would be such an exciting thing.

That so many people could care about one family, that is one thing I have always felt but wow, all I can say is now I really know.

A New Day

Today, I wake up this morning as a single woman.  For me, it is a new chapter of a wondeful life I have shared with many people.  Being a single woman sounds to adventurous, but being called a divorced woman sounds depressing so, I will just stick with I am a mom.  A mom who has 4 wonderful daughters and a fantastic son in law.  A mom who has made good choices and bad, has cried and laughed and yelled and cheered with and at my kids.  A mom who has made a decision that will disrupt my childrens lives, that will force us to reconstruct what "our family" is. 
Choosing to get a divorce was the hardest decision I have ever had to make.  It was a very long process.  Many people are shocked, but the people who are the closest to me know this was a very very very long process.  Hours of marriage counseling, counseling one on one, tears with loved ones, tears with my exhusband, and many hours on my knees asking, digging really deep, pleading with my Heavenly Father to please help me make a good choice. Many hours sitting inside the temple, going over and over in my mind the covenants I have made, thinking of "Families are Forever".  Could this really be the right choice???
I am 99% sure it is.  The only 1% left that I am not, is when I find a letter in my 7 years old daughters backpack from school that has a drawing of me and Ammon with a heart in between and she has written "dear dad, I hope you get back to mom, I love you".  That is when the tears start to flow, and I take my little 7 year old in my arms and I tell her me and her dad cannot be married but we will always  love her, and we will just be a different kind of family.  She then hugs me and says "yeah, you guys did fight alot" and then she goes off to find her 11 year old sister to torture.
The choice is heavy that I carry and the consequences are real and big, but I pray for understanding, for compassion, and for forgiveness to the people I have disapointed, the people I have hurt, the people who did not know and are shocked.  We never know what goes on in others homes when the doors are closed and blinds are drawn,  we just hope all is well, and when it is not, we show up with freshly baked cookies and a smile on our face, and a look, that look that you know when someone really cares.